G u l a

 

Alhamdulillah saya dilahirkan dalam keluarga yang gula darahnya normal, saat cek darah, seberapa pun minuman manis yang kami minum dalam sehari. Karena dibiasakan minum teh hangat manis di pagi hari oleh orangtua sejak kami sejak kecil, kami sekeluarga pun biasa membuat minuman teh manis di pagi hari, baik untuk diminum begitu saja, atau diminum setelah sarapan. Di saat-saat lain, jika ingin minum teh, di dapur sudah ada 'cemceman' teh. So, jika ingin bikin teh hangat, hanya tinggal ditambahi air panas, jika ingin es teh, cukup ditambahi es batu. 

Saat kecil, saya ingat bahwa saya nyaris tidak doyan minum air putih karena sama sekali tidak ada rasanya 😀 waktu sekolah, saya juga tidak biasa bawa air minum dari rumah, paling-paling jajan es teh di kantin sekolah saat istirahat, atau setelah pelajaran olahraga. Sehari paling hanya satu kali. Seingat saya, belum lazim orang jualan air mineral di zaman itu.

Ternyata bahwa saya melanjutkan kuliah di kota Jogja adalah satu blessing in disguise. Saya terpaksa minum air putih saat di kos, karena tidak praktis membuat minuman teh. (Saya tidak suka rasa teh celup. Seingat saya, waktu itu baru ada satu merk teh celup: s*** w****. Saya tidak suka rasanya: tidak ada sepet-sepetnya!) Saya benar-benar 'belajar' untuk membiasakan diri minum air putih untuk keperluan sehari-hari saat itu. Satu hal yang di kemudian hari 'menyelamatkan' saya. (Tubuh kita butuh minum air putih 8 gelas sehari kan ya?)

Another advantage bagi saya sendiri adalah sejak kecil saya tidak doyan mie instant. So, jika orang-orang bilang bahwa mie instant adalah makanan favorit anak-anak kos, ini tidak berlaku dalam hidup saya. Saat ngekos, saya rajin masak nasi, sayur dan lauk sendiri karena lebih hemat. Kadang-kadang saja saya beli di warung makan. 

Hari ini saya membaca satu thread seseorang yang ginjal kanannya tidak bisa bekerja dengan baik karena dia hobi sekali makan mie instant dan tidak suka minum air putih karena lebih suka minum air yang berperasa. 

I feel blessed. 

Longing

 

In English, we say,

"I miss my home."

But in poetry, we say,

 

"My heart is a song that nobody plays, 

A melody lost in the dust of the days.

Yet humming in silence, I hear it once more— 

The tune of the place that I long to restore."

You

 

The closer you get

The less magical you become

The more I know you

The more pathetic of me to love you

.

..

Therefore

I went away

 

GJ 12.05 10 June 2026

Gramedia Jalma Semarang

 

Terakhir aku dan Angie ke GM Semarang, sebelum direnovasi, mungkin sekitar pertengahan tahun 2025. Kondisi lantai 2 terlihat tidak serapi biasanya, banyak space kosong, juga banyak rak buku yang kosong. Pemandangan yang sungguh-sungguh membuatku patah hati. Aku selalu patah hati jika tahu ada sebuah toko buku yang terpaksa tutup karena jumlah pembeli yang turun drastis. Apalagi jika toko buku sebesar GM harus tutup, just imagine how broken my heart would be.

Well, bisa sih beli buku online, tapi keasyikan berkunjung ke toko buku, melihat-lihat judul buku yang ada, dan bisa langsung menyentuh buku-buku tersebut, sungguh tidak tergantikan jika dibandingkan dengan scrolling online store, karena kita hanya bisa memandangi judul-judul buku tersebut tanpa bisa menyentuh buku fisiknya. 

Duluuu, saat di kota Semarang masih ada beberapa toko buku diskon -- salah satunya Toga Mas -- GM adalah toko buku yang memberiku ide buku apa yang ingin aku beli, saat aku iseng lihat-lihat buku di sana. Lalu, aku akan hunting buku yang ingin aku beli itu di beberapa toko buku diskon. Namun, jika tak satu pun toko buku diskon itu menyediakan buku yang ingin aku beli, dengan riang gembira aku akan kembali ke GM, dan beli buku yang kutaksir itu di sana. 😁 

 Beberapa bulan setelah aku patah hati melihat kondisi GM seperti itu, Angie memberitahu bahwa GM Semarang akan melakukan renovasi besar-besaran; GM akan dikembangkan menjadi seperti Gramedia Jalma Melawai. GM akan direnovasi sehingga GM tak lagi hanya sekedar toko buku, namun juga satu lokasi yang menyediakan 'working space' di mana orang-orang bisa bersosialisasi. This info automatically healed my broken heart. 😍

Setelah tutup beberapa bulan untuk renovasi, Gramedia Semarang kembali dibuka untuk umum pada hari Jumat 5 Juni 2026 dan resmi menyandang nama GRAMEDIA JALMA. After visiting this place on Monday 8 June 2026, I think this will be one most favorable place to visit for me! Yay!!! Ada banyak buku yang disediakan free untuk dibaca di tempat, ada colokan buat ngecharge gadget, ber-AC, boleh bawa tumbler sendiri so tidak perlu beli minuman di cafe yang sekarang tersedia di lantai 2. Wonderful, isn't it?

 

PT56 09 June 2026

Which restroom are you going to?

 

 

Beberapa hari yang lalu di satu media sosial, seorang dokter menulis keprihatinannya tentang seorang 'trans lesbian' yang memilih masuk ke toilet khusus perempuan. Mengingat ada kasus laki-laki mengenakan 'baju perempuan', masuk ke toilet perempuan, lalu melakukan pelecehan seksual, tentu saja hal ini membuat si dokter tidak terima.

"Yang punya penis, masuklah ke toilet laki-laki. Yang punya vagina, ya masuk ke toilet perempuan." Begitu si dokter menulis.

Sekian tahun lalu, aku pernah membahas hal ini dengan seseorang, laki-laki, yang nampaknya susah menerima 'kenyataan' bahwa manusia tidak bisa hanya dikategorikan 2 jenis: laki-laki berpenis, perempuan bervagina. Dia belum bisa menerima bahwa ada komunitas yang percaya bahwa di dunia ini ada 5 jenis 'gender'. (Please read an article about it in this link.)

Mengingat bahwa tidak semua orang bervagina itu merasa dirinya perempuan, dari penampilannya saja seseorang bisa dianggap terlalu maskulin, dan tidak semua orang berpenis merasa dirinya laki-laki, dan mungkin saja penampilannya menunjukkan seseorang itu 'feminin' aku berpikir bahwa sebaiknya minimal ada 4 jenis toilet yang disediakan di tempat umum. 

(1) toilet untuk mereka yang terlahir memiliki penis dan merasa diri mereka laki-laki

(2) toilet untuk mereka yang terlahir memiliki penis namun merasa diri mereka kurang maskulin

(3) toilet untuk mereka yang terlahir memilik vagina dan merasa diri mereka perempuan

(4) toilet untuk mereka yang memiliki vagina namun merasa diri mereka nampak terlalu maskulin

Mengapa demikian?

Banyak laki-laki merasa tidak nyaman ketika mereka berada di toilet saat mereka melihat laki-laki yang mereka tahu laki-laki itu gay. Mereka merasa khawatir jika si 'gay' ini akan memanfaatkan kesempatan dalam kesempitan untuk melakukan semacam pelecehan seksual. Sebaliknya, perempuan yang nampak maskulin pun sering dicurigai akan melakukan hal-hal yang tidak senonoh saat masuk ke toilet khusus untuk perempuan karena "mereka nampak laki-laki sekali". 

 

Atau, mungkin tempat-tempat umum seperti mall bisa kembali menyediakan toilet yang tidak seperti foto di atas ini. Sediakanlah toilet yang tidak berjajar seperti di atas, melainkan toilet yang 'berdiri' sendiri, seperti di pom bensin zaman dulu itu di mana baik laki-laku maupun perempuan bisa memanfaatkannya. Well, if you know what I mean 😃

PT56 14.36 07 June 2026 

'Want' versus 'Must'

 

One most incessantly hot topic of discussion in social medias (especially in Indonesia) is the so-called 'patriarchy'. (More than 2 decades ago, Ayu Utami, one writer who is popular with writing novels about women's rights to be equal, said that patriarchy was an obsolete topic! 2 decades ago!) Nevertheless, in fact, in this era, youngsters even choose to use this term: 'patriarchy' which refers to the meaning of being sexist.

Once in a while I happen to find some threads about this in social medias. This makes me realize that the topic about gender roles in society is still hotly debated. Reading the comments make me aware that no matter what happens, I still find people who are allergic to the term 'feminism' while in fact they do not really understand what feminists have done to increase the equality between men and women.  

Many people still do not understand the difference between 'I want to do this' and 'I must do this'.  And reading comments from people who fail to understand what lies behind the sentences make me realize the danger of the freedom people get online. People tend to write any random things online, and other people will read their 'threads' or anything else as something 'correct' .This is like blind people lead other blind people, and eventually they will harm other people.

I am still not talking about the dangerous use of AI, only less knowledgeable people 'shout' what they wanna tell the world online.

PT56 12.24 03 June 2026 

 

 

Dignitas: to live with dignity, to die with dignity.

 

For the first time I heard this organization -- dignitas -- was when I watched ME BEFORE YOU. I thought it was the same thing as euthanasia where the doctor 'gives something' to a terminally ill patient to help the patient end his or her suffering. The permission of doing this can be in the hand of the patient himself or herself or one member family of the patient. 

In fact, Switzerland does not approve the practice of euthanasia, where the patient sometimes seems helpless to determine his or her own life or death. On the contrary, Switzerland legally approves the practice of committing suicide where the patient does it by himself or herself.  Dignitas provides the service to accompany the patient when he or she commits suicide. 

To this point, my heart was broken more into smaller pieces when remembering how Louisa Clark failed to ensure Will that he would find his life meaningful and useful if he chose to go on living. Louisa apparently would love Will no matter what happens (not like Alicia who chose to leave Will and marry his best friend) and accompany him for the rest of their life. Will, on the other hand, loved Louisa so deeply that he didn't want to burden her life by going on living. 

Absolutely understood when nearing his last moment in life, Will wanted to be accompanied by Louisa -- not just his parents -- because he loved her and he was sure that Louisa loved him accordingly.

P.S.:

da*n, I still cannot move on from this movie. 

you perhaps would like to read this writing of mine here.  

 

PT56 12.45 

Orangtua yang durhaka

 

Baru saja aku membaca satu thread di satu media sosial tentang curhatan seorang anak. Sejak kecil ibunya tidak pernah peduli memberinya uang jajan saat dia pergi sekolah. Hingga satu kali ibunya minggat dari rumah, sehingga si anak kelimpungan mencari duit untuk membayar uang sekolahnya sendiri, dan menghidupi adiknya.

 

Setelah sekian tahun menghilang begitu saja, si ibu pulang ke rumah dalam kondisi hamil. Si anak pertama ini lagi yang harus membiayai segala kebutuhan rumah tangga.

 

What kind of mother is she? #sigh …

 

Beberapa hari lalu, aku membaca thread lain. Seorang perempuan berusia 30-an, sudah memiliki pekerjaan yang mapan, sering membantu kebutuhan finansial keluarga inti maupun keluarga besar. Namun dia tetap dianggap sebagai seorang perempuan yang tidak berharga 'hanya' karena di usianya yang 'segitu' dia masih single. Dia menulis thread bagaimana jika dia cut off hubungannya dengan keluarganya, baik keluarga inti maupun keluarga besar.

 

Saat aku bercerita tentang hal ini ke Angie, to my shock, Angie bercerita bahwa salah satu bestie-nya mengalami hal ini. Sebegitu muaknya dia, sampai saat Idul Fitri bulan Maret lalu dia memilih tidak pulang ke Semarang karena ogah bertemu dengan keluarga dan harus mendengar omongan-omongan toksik. Sebagai ganti, selama cuti lebaran, dia dolan ke LN.

 

*****

 

Kasus pertama yang aku tulis di atas tentu bobotnya jauh lebih menyedihkan dibanding kasus yang kedua. Curhatannya itu diakhiri dengan pernyataan bahwa dia ingin minggat dari rumah, menikmati gajinya sendiri, untuk bersenang-senang, karena dia merasa bahwa hidupnya tidak akan lama. Sebelum dia meninggalkan dunia yang fana ini, dia ingin sesekali menikmati hidupnya sendiri, dengan gaji yang dia hasilkan dari kerja kerasnya.

 

N.B.:

I just wanna share random threads.

 

PT56 11.42 02 June 2026

 

In case you are interested, please read my other writing here.  

Shedding tears

 

Do you agree with me that sometimes people need to shed tears, to expose the feeling of emotional? Recently, as one 'excuse' for my wanting to shed some tears, I have once in a while been watching this: "ME BEFORE YOU.

FYI, I have been interested in listening to British accent. 😁

Sandwich Generation

 "Put yourself first, Clark. For once." Will said to Louisa. 

 When watching ME BEFORE YOU in this part, I just realized that 'sandwich generation' does not only happen in Indonesia. We can also find this phenomenon in western countries as well, hmmm ... minimally in England, just like what Jojo Moyes described in her novel ME BEFORE YOU.

And Will, whom some people said that he was a coward because he chose to die instead of going on living, gave Louisa freedom to live her life. First, Will gave Louisa's father a job so that the family didn't need to depend on Louisa's paycheck. Second, Will wrote Louisa's name as one of the beneficiaries after he passed. 

 "Live boldly, Clark. Push yourself. Don't settle. Just live well. Just live."

 

PT56 14.19 26 May 2026 

How dull is your life?

 

I believe not many people realize (or think) that their life is dull when they don't compare their life with others'. 

Around 20 years ago, my life was just like Louisa's, my daily ritual was just going to work then going home. My entertainment was just writing for blog. Once a week, I went swimming. Social medias were not as massive as they are now. And internet access was still very expensive. So, don't ask whether I spent some time in my daily activities watching youtube: too expensive! lol. Well, once in a blue moon I went to DVD rentals to rent some DVDs. Not bad, huh? However, as what Louisa said to Will, "I love my life. I never consider my life boring." And luckily, I never compare my life with others'.

My life has been no longer that dull these past a few years although of course it is not as interesting as in Will's mind, when he and Louisa were talking in this movie cut whose link I inserted above. 

Comparing my life with one good friend of mine, though, I am of opinion that my life is more colorful than her life because I have some hobbies: biking, swimming, and sometimes traveling. This good friend of mine did not have hobby except reading, while in fact, her daily routines in her job involve reading a lot., Moreover, she didn't like exercising. This became one big culprit why she suffered from depression after going back from the US where she pursued her PhD. 

PT56 15.03 25 May 2026 

P.S.:

I still cannot move on from ME BEFORE YOU, lol.  

Making Choices 2

 

 

Sam Claflin said that the main theme of ME BEFORE YOU is 'making choices': for someone who has suffered from tetraplegia: whether he or she will continue his or her life in the world while suffering severely for his or her whole life, or he or she will choose to have euthanasia. 

Making choices can be as simple as choosing what outfit to wear to go to work or the cinema, until more serious such as which school or college to go to,  or whether to marry your girlfriend or boyfriend, to the one that will decide someone's life or death.

In this movie, Will's mother strongly disagreed with Will's choice, while his father approved it. Both of them had their own reasons and I believe both loved their only son so very much. Because of love, they had two contradictory opinion.  

Louisa who at first also disapproved Will's decision finally decided to accompany Will in his last moment in the world. Both actions of Lou were also triggered by her love and care for Will.

--------------------

Another writing of mine related to making choices can be read here.  

PT56 15.00 21 May 2026 

Validasi Diri 2

 

Baru saja di satu media sosial aku membaca curhatan seorang, laki-laki. Dia terpaksa melaporkan seorang perempuan yang rencananya akan dia nikahi di bulan Mei 2026 ini ke kepolisian. Perempuan itu ternyata telah 'membelanjakan' uang di tabungan yang harusnya dipakai untuk biaya resepsi, tanpa sepengetahuannya. Selain itu, perhiasan emas yang telah dia beli sebagai mas kawin pun lenyap. Ditambah lagi, perhiasan emas milik ibunya yang dia titipkan kepada si perempuan untuk dijual -- demi menambah dana untuk resepsi -- pun raib. Perhiasan emasnya raib, uangnya pun tidak jelas ke mana juntrungnya.

 Laki-laki yang curhat ini menulis bahwa si perempuan semula ngekos di rumahnya -- bisnis ibunya: rumah kos-kosan -- lalu mereka mulai dekat, sampai si perempuan bisa ngekos secara gratis, bahkan untuk makan pun ditanggung oleh si ibu. Perempuan ini nampak sangat innocent, lemah lembut, yang membuat si laki-laki ini berpikir tentu karakternya pun begitu: lugu, lemah lembut, tidak mungkin akan menjadi seorang kriminal.

Di antara sekian banyak komentar, aku tertarik pada satu komentar, "Memang ya laki-laki itu butuh validasi diri bahwa dia itu bisa menjadi pahlawan untuk melindungi perempuan yang lugu dan lemah."

Berbicara tentang validasi ini, saya teringat pada kasus para perempuan yang menganggap diri bisa menjadi pahlawan dengan tetap memacari laki-laki yang 'bermasalah': misal merokok, addicted to drugs, atau yang lebih kekinian: ketagihan judi online. Atau satu masalah 'klasik': bagi kaum relijiyes, ada perempuan yang tidak keberatan memacari atau (sampai) menikahi laki-laki yang tidak bisa mengaji atau tidak biasa melakukan ritual keagamaan karena dia yakin dia akan bisa membimbing si laki-laki agar bisa menjadi seorang Muslim yang kaffah.  (Shhtttt, I am talking about myself, the old Nana, long time ago, lol.) 

PT56 14.56 20 Mei 2026 

Transportasi online

 

Sependek ingatan saya, transportasi online ini mulai memasyarakat sekitar 10 tahun yang lalu, tahun 2016. Awalnya, suara pro kontra santer terdengar; terutama antara ojek pangkalan dan ojek online. Satu ketika dulu, komunitas ojek (menggunakan kendaraan sepeda motor) pangkalan 'susah ditembus': tidak mudah untuk masuk ke dalam komunitas itu. Tidak sembarang orang bisa menjual jasa menjadi tukang ojek di sembarang tempat. Keberadaan ojek online dengan menggunakan aplikasi gojek atau grab, atau pun maxim memudahkan siapa pun yang tidak punya pekerjaan tetap namun memiliki kendaraan sendiri untuk mencari uang. 

Selain itu, yang kontra menyatakan bahwa kendaraan bermotor ini tidak aman dijadikan 'transportasi umum'. Saat itu, saya abstain saja, tidak menolak juga tidak menerima. Namun, jika ada orang-orang di sekitar saya yang dengan keukeuh menyatakan ketidaksetujuannya dengan keberadaan transportasi 'umum' online ini saya mengatakan bahwa keberadaan transportasi umum online ini lebih memudahkan sebagian orang untuk mendapatkan pekerjaan, tidak perlu susah-susah agar bisa diterima di satu komunitas ojek pangkalan. Selain itu, kenyataan bahwa transportasi online ini telah memudahkan perjalanan Angie tatkala dia pergi ke luar kota -- tanpa saya -- tentu membuat saya sangat mengapresiasi keberadaannya.

Baru menjelang akhir tahun 2021 saya memiliki aplikasi transportasi online ini di gadget; saat saya harus sering pulang pergi ke Solo untuk fisioterapi karena otot kaki bermasalah. Jika biasanya saya membawa sepeda lipat saat pergi ke luar kota, saat itu, saya tidak bisa melakukannya. Fisioterapis saya menengarai bahwa permasalahan otot di kaki saya disebabkan oleh posisi kaki saya yang tidak aman alias tidak tepat saat mengendarai sepeda, selama puluhan tahun! So? Saya disarankan untuk sementara menghindari naik sepeda.

Tentu saja kemudahan transportasi online ini membuat saya semakin sering memanfaatkannya hingga sekarang. 

Satu tahun yang lalu, saya dan Ranz saya dolan ke satu destinasi wisata di Solo. Karena waktu itu kami berenam, Ranz pesan taksi online untuk berenam. Ketika sang driver ngechat Ranz, "ada berapa penumpang?" Ranz nampak gusar, "why the hell he asked me such a question? orang kita pesan mobil untuk berenam ya jelas kita berenam lah. Kalau pun kita hanya berlima, atau kurang dari itu, ya gapapa kan?" Saya cuma manggut-manggut, sambil heran juga, mengapa kastemer harus ditanyai seperti itu yak.

Nah, beberapa hari yang lalu, saya pergi dengan Angie, adik, dan keponakan. Kami berlima. Tentu saja saya memesan taksi online dengan mobil berkapasitas untuk 6 orang. Tidak lama kemudian, sang driver bertanya, "untuk berapa orang?" Nah lo! akhirnya saya mengalaminya sendiri! Saya jawab pendek saja, "6."

Saat mobil datang -- toyota veloz -- si driver berkata, "yang berempat duduk di satu baris saja ya." Dalam hati saya berpikir, "Lah, saya bayar lebih mahal itu biar kami berlima bisa duduk nyaman kok malah disuruh berdempet-dempetan." Dengan tegas saya menjawab, "Jangan. Biar yang dua orang duduk di baris belakang." Driver bilang, "Soalnya, jika duduk di baris belakang, tidak ada 'space' yang cukup untuk kaki." Lah, saya kian heran. Jika dia tahu kalau kondisi mobilnya seperti itu, seharusnya dia hanya mengambil pesanan kastemer yang hanya untuk 4 orang kan ya?"

dari luar nampak besar ya, tapi kok ternyata nganu yak?

 

 

Kopi versus sirup

ini caramel OTR americano, my fave drink at Starbucks, pakai saus caramel, gelas satunya chocolate

 

Lebih dari satu dekade lalu, seorang kawan medsos -- yang kebetulan adalah kawan SMP -- menulis di dindingnya bahwa peminum kopi sejati itu minum kopi tanpa gula. "Kalau kopi pakai gula itu, namanya bukan lagi kopi, melainkan sirup." aku ngekek membacanya, waktu itu, waktu aku masih minum cappuccino sachetan saja masih aku beri tambahan gula. wakakakaka ...

Setelah itu, aku mencoba minum cappuccino sachet itu tanpa kutambahi gula. ternyata aku survive! lol. well, zaman itu, saat hampir tiap hari aku bersepeda sejauh minimal 30 kilometer, aku jelas selengekan banget dengan asupan minuman yang masuk dalam tubuhku.

aku pun akhirnya mencoba minum kopi hitam -- orang-orang bilang kopi 'americano' yak, meski menggunakan kopi merk lokal, such as nescafe, tuguluwak, dll. (eh, am I right? lol) -- tanpa gula. 

dan, setelah aku 'survive' minum kopi (hitam) tanpa gula, aku suka godain kawan kerja yang masih butuh memasukkan gula dalam kopi yang mereka minum, "eh, you know what? ini sih namanya sirup, bukan kopi!" lalu kami tertawa bareng.

*****

beberapa hari yang lalu, aku membaca di salah satu medsos curhatan seseorang yang ditertawakan oleh seorang barista saat orang itu jajan kopi 'americano' dengan minta diberi gula.  sebegitu viral curhatan itu, dengan komentar netizen yang bermacam-macam, hingga akhirnya aku membaca tulisan seseorang bahwa si barista akhirnya kena layoff karena tidak menghormati kastemer. 

aku ingat, satu waktu dulu, aku jajan kopi di satu gerai fastfood, aku unggah fotonya di medsos, lalu seorang kawan lama komentar, "kapan-kapan kalau aku dolan ke Semarang, aku ajak ngopi beb, ngopi yang sesungguhnya, bukan kopi ala-ala seperti ini!" aku iyain saja. 

she did come to Semarang. (she used to be my student in the English course where I have been teaching since 1996.) we did go to a cafe and bought americano -- without sugar -- and talked for hours, for old time sake. kulihat wajahnya somewhat 'amazed' waktu tahu aku pesan 'americano'. untunglah dia datang setelah aku doyan minum kopi hitam tanpa gula! wkwkwkwk ...

how about you? do you drink coffee with sugar or without sugar? 

PT56 14.37 19 May 2026 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

 

Honestly, I haven't moved one from Sam Claflin after watching ME BEFORE YOU, lol. Today, when browsing youtube, I found a video where Sam mentioned that he has suffered from this BDD a.k.a Body Dysmorphic Disorder. When anorexia nervosa or bulimia usually happens among women, this BDD can happen in both men and women.

 

 Frankly, I just knew that this kind of thing -- not feeling confident with our own appearance -- is considered a kinda disorder! I thought this is something that everybody undergoes in his or her life, either in his or her teenage years or even after he or she grows as adults. The older someone is, the more receptive he or she will be. When someone gets older, I assume that he or she will be wiser to accept their appearance just the way he or she is.

 

After reading an article about this, I started suspecting that I have this psychological disorder. One easy hint why I have this disorder is that I reluctantly meet up old friends, worrying if they will not be able to recognize me anymore now that I am getting older. (read => I have become ugly! I am no longer as pretty as I used to be.) ridiculous, huh? Lol.

 

So, I tried to figure out the trigger. (FYI, I am not anorexic or bulimic.) from one article I read, I think the trigger was my being perfectionist, perhaps also I think there is social pressure that women must always look good in any age.

 

Don't worry. I have tried to reduce this feeling. Once my best friend said to me, "When you grow old, your old friends also grow old. If you feel that you will look uglier once you become older, your old friends also undergo the same thing as you!"

 

Do you think you also experience this thing?

 

PT56 14.52 18 May 2026

Sam Claflin, isn't he gorgeous?

 you may find this reading about BDD interesting (It is in Bahasa Indonesia.)

here is another writing about Sam Claflin.  (Note: he is not married anymore at the moment)

Watching Movies for free

 

Around a year ago, one friend gave me a link where I can watch movies for free. Since then on, I have spent some time to watch some movies in my gadgets (laptop, tab, or HP). Long long time ago, (it means I already forgot the exact time, lol), I sometimes rented VCD/DVD to watch some movies I wanted to watch. After the era of this renting VCD/DVD was gone, I no longer watch any movies, except if out of the blue I want to watch a certain movie so I go to the cinema (which I super rarely do).

 

That's why I never consider myself as a movie freak, I still choose to be classified into book collectors. (I love buying and collecting books, although it doesn't guarantee that I will read the books I have bought, lol.) After I got the link, I now and again scroll youtube to find out some ideas what movies to watch. 'Just like heaven', 'Me Before You', 'The Imitation Game', 'Hope Gap' are some samples of titles that I have watched in that link, after scrolling youtube. This made me remember one discussion when I was in college: films / movies are the 'modern' version of novels/plays. This reduced my guilty feeling to spend more time watching movies instead of reading books. (ho ho, can you see my point here?)

 

After watching ME BEFORE YOU, I really want to buy the novel and read it. When browsing about this novel, I found out that Jojo Moyes already wrote its sequels: 'After You' and 'Still Me'. Of course I easily can buy them online. However, I am too stingy to spend the shipping fee, lol. I am still trying my luck to find those three books in the bookstore nearby my town.

 

FYI, starting around one month ago, the link I got from my friend (to watch movies for free) recently has been accidentally (?) 'censored' by the government, I have lost one pastime, while in fact I have made a list of some movies I wanna watch (for free of course, lol). Hhh …

 

PT56 14.19 18 May 2026

 

N.B.:

 

Perhaps you will find this article interesting to read.  

Dolan ke Balkondes Borobudur

 

Akhirnya aku mendapatkan kesempatan untuk dolan ke Magelang lagi, terutama 'berkeliaran' di area sekitar Borobdur. Sejak dolan ke Borobudur untuk turut 'merasakan' perayaan Waisak di tahun 2013, aku suka menginap di area sekitar Borobudur, suasananya terasa magis buatku.

 

Kamis 14 Mei 2026

 

Kali ini, aku dolan ke Magelang bersama kawan-kawan kerja. 2 kendaraan yang kami carter meninggalkan tikum -- kantor -- pukul enam pagi, sesuai dengan yang kami rencanakan. Perjalanan cukup lancar, meski kami baru sampai di Balkondes Borobudur 15 menit lebih terlambat dari yang kami harapkan, pukul 08.15.

 

Sesampai lokasi, kami disambut dengan kudapan-kudapan berupa ketela rambat berwarna ungu yang direbus, rasanya manis sekali, nagasari, klepon dan tahu bakso, semuanya enak. Untuk minuman, kami bisa memilih antara wedang jeruk sereh, wedang jahe, dan teh. Kami pun langsung menikmati santapan yang telah disediakan oleh pihak Balkondes Borobudur yang terletak di Jl. Borobudur Ngadiharjo. Tahun 2013 dulu, aku dan Ranz menginap di satu rumah penduduk semalam, di area sini, setelah turut menghadiri acara Waisak. Masa itu belum ada Balkondes.

 

Sekitar pukul 08.45, 5 buah mobil VW yang kami sewa sudah siap meninggalkan Balkondes. Kami berenambelas (ada 5 rekan kerja yang tidak bisa bergabung) menaiki 5 mobil VW yang ada. Aku sengaja mengajak Tri dan Ani naik yang berwarna pink karena Tri bilang anaknya suka warna itu. (Pasti anaknya akan senang melihat foto Ibunya naik VW dengan warna kesayangannya!)

 

Kami memilih 3 UMKM untuk kami kunjungi. Yang pertama adalah UMKM pembuatan rengginang. Yang kedua adalah UMKM pembuat kue moaci dan yanko. Lokasi ketiga yang kami datangi adalah lapangan Tuksongo, yang memang merupakan spot foto yang tidak pernah dilewati untuk berfoto-foto. UMKM ketiga yang kami kunjungi adalah peternakan lebah yang menghasilkan madu.

Usai touring dari satu desa ke desa lain dengan naik VW selama kurang lebih 2 jam, kami  kembali ke Balkondes untuk beristirahat sambil makan siang. Menu: sayur asem, tumis daun pepaya, trancam, tempe kripik, ayam goreng dan krupuk. Usai makan siang, kami bermain-main dengan kuis-kuis, pembagian door prize, sekaligus saling tukar kado.

 

 

Sekitar pukul 14.00, kami menuju ke lokasi berikut: Bukit Rhema di mana di sana terletak 'rumah doa' untuk segala agama, yang lebih dikenal luas sebagai 'gereja ayam' meski sebenarnya bentuknya adalah burung merpati. Menurut guide yang menemani kami, sebenarnya ini bukan gereja saja, namun rumah doa untuk semua orang yang ingin berdoa, dari berbagai agama. Di sini juga ada mushola tempat kaum Muslim untuk melakukan shalat.

 

Pukul empat sore, kami sudah kembali masuk ke dua kendaraan yang kami naiki dari Semarang. Tujuan berikutnya adalah satu toko oleh-oleh di mana sebagaian dari kami sekaligus 'nunut' untuk melakukan shalat asar.

 

Sekitar pukul setengah lima kami sudah meninggalkan toko oleh-oleh yang terletak di Jl. Jendral Sudirman nomor 299, atau Jl. Magelang - Jogja km 6.

 

Sekitar pukul 18.45 kami sudah kembali sampai di kantor. Alhamdulillaaah. Next time, kami dolan bareng-bareng lagi. Aamiin.

 

MS48 13.02 16 Mei 2026

 

Interview with Emilia Clarke

 

I copied the following article from this link.

The new film Me Before You (now in theatres) marks a bit of a change of pace for Emilia Clarke after the action her antics of last summer's franchise opus Terminator Genisys. The romantic drama, based on the best-seller of the same name by Jojo Moyes, Emilia is Louella "Lou" Clarke, a free-spirited young woman tasked with taking care of Will Traynor (Sam Claflin), a recent victim of a motorcycle accident that has left him quadriplegic.

 

For the actress, the project was a switch from her famed role as the Mother of Dragons on HBO's hugely-successful Game of Thrones. I had a chance to talk to her recently about why Me Before You so appealed to her, how she responds to those that think it puts forth a negative message about the disabled, and more. Read on for some highlights, including her response when I confessed that I've never actually seen Game of Thrones.

 

This film is kind of a break from the characters that you're used to playing. Was it a deliberate choice on your part?

 

I don't really make too many choices, in terms of strategic planning. That doesn't happen with the way that I like to work. I just read a script, and I'm moved by a character or a story, and this was that times a million. I got incredibly moved by it, and it was just, as soon as I started reading it, I just knew: this is a side of who I am so I have to play it.

 

What is it specifically about the character that appealed to you?

 

So much. It was her warmth and her empathy and her sensitivity, and then her joy and funniness and wanting to help, and wanting to kind of be bright and refreshing. And my god, we've got so much swampy darkness that we have on everything, on all kind of media, and it seems like that's what is the most, kind of, interesting choice. And this just seemed to me that you had this breath of fresh air with this incredibly topical, political point at the heart of it, and then a love story on top. That's just kind of an interesting concoction I hadn't read before.

 

Do you worry that people will perceive this as a pro-suicide film, simplifying something that's much more complicated than that?

 

Well, I think it was something we were incredibly delicate about and very sensitive about, and we all...obviously, Jojo herself did a huge amount of research, and that's her story with the book to get to this idea. But then we, as a cast -- especially me, Sam, and Thea, the director -- did a huge amount, met a lot of people. And I, individually, did my own work. Sam did his own work.

 

There was an adviser who worked in a hospital with quadriplegics every day on set every day to make sure that everything was as it should be, so there was no false...we weren't showing anything Hollywood-y. It was as accurate as it could. But I also think that the beauty of what we've done is, because the heart of it really is a love story, it's really simple, and we just sort of painted the landscape.

 

And I hope what we did is show that it's a choice that people have, and I think one of the things we were very aware of was needing for each opinion to have a voice. So, you've got my mum, who's dismayed and disgusted by the idea. So, that's being said, that's being put up there, and people are listening to it and being affected by it. And then you've got the parent who hated the idea at first and then having to come to terms with it. And then you've got Lou who is horrified at first and then...

 

Lou is the nexus for both of those points of view to sort of come to fruition.

 

Exactly. That's exactly what she's dealing with. She's got both sides on her shoulder of what it is, and then, on a sort of human level, the horror of what that first instinct of: why would you do that? And then the reality of the situation, and then the understanding of her love, and her understanding that he has a choice.

 

Can you talk about working with Sam?

 

It was really wonderful because there was just -- this goes for the whole cast and crew, but especially for Sam and I -- we both had so much respect for each other and for the story, and we just both wanted to be there very much. So, we wanted to elevate this to its highest level and kind of be as sensitive and as professional as we could about it. And everything that he brought just made my job easier, and hopefully, I did the same for him.

 

Well, certainly, you can feel the character's heartbreak in that moment at the beach, without spoiling anything.

 

That was the hardest day filming ever, was that one. Also because I'd broken my hip.

 

So the pain was real.

 

The pain was so real! I couldn't even get on the damn...his lap. There was just too much pain! (laughs)

When we look at a film like this and we contrast it with something like Terminator last year, what is it that makes you draw on these different characters? Because I'm figuring, with your TV schedule, you probably have a limited window. You may get like, one project a year that you can do.

 

Yeah, there's a kind of short hiatus. I'm trying to squeeze two in this year, but, yeah, there's a short-ish hiatus.

 

So, that means that your time is precious. What drove you to Terminator?

 

With everything, it's like, how do you decide who's going to be your friend? How do you decide who's going to be your boyfriend or your girlfriend, your wife, your husband, whatever it is? You just, you're in that frame of mind at that moment and someone goes, "How about this?" and you're like, oh, you know, this kind of feels...yeah, it feels good. Let's do that today.

 

I try very much to not have a plan as such and to just kind of...I have the safety of Game of Thrones, which is the incredibly lucky thing that I have in that it is incredible. And I get to go back and re-educate myself every time and be with sort of a family that teaches me a huge amount. So, then the hiatus, I'm just like, I feel like trying this on.

 

Because that's my end goal, thinking about the scope of my career, is to just do as many different things as possible. I just want to push myself in every direction. So, I was like, yeah, give me a gun! Let's do this. Give me a fucking grenade launcher! And then, this came at just the right time.

 

I'm sure there was some comfort working with [Terminator and Game of Thrones director] Alan Taylor.

 

Exactly. It was lovely. Exactly, but I was reading this while filming that. So, it was hilarious, me clutching a gun and crying into my book.

 

So, then, your Terminator experience fed into this experience.

 

It really did. It really did. It's also really script-dependent. The amazing Ryan Gosling, I read, once said -- he described choosing roles like listening to songs on the radio. One just makes you want to dance. So, it literally is just that. Sometimes the one that makes you want to dance isn't number one, and that's okay, and others, you just can't help it; you have to do it. And, I must admit, this is the strongest I've ever felt about a character, is Me Before You.

 

On a performance level, it's so engrossing. You've got the characters who, you know they can't be together, and that's the heartbreaking aspect of it.

 

Hugely. It's this kind of star-crossed lovers element to it, exactly. And I feel like now we're in a much more evolved place than, "My dad doesn't like you so we're not allowed to get married." If you go back to kind of original storytelling and you're looking at Cinderella or whatever it is, now I feel like there's this wave of these tear-jerkers where there's a kind of incredibly sad heart to it. That's now a reality that people are talking about and giving a voice to. That kind of "we can't be together" as opposed to…

 

As opposed to Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, because society has, thankfully, moved past stuff like that.

 

Exactly. Obviously, Western society, to a point, has. Everyone's individual, but I just think that the drama of that love is kind of affecting to an audience.

 

So, I have a confession to make, and it's an embarrassing confession, and I'm giving this to you because when I told people I was talking to you, they said, "Ask her about what happened on Game of Thrones yesterday!"

 

And you don't watch Game of Thrones. (laughs)

 

It's not that I choose not to.

 

You have a life and time and people you want to spend your time with as opposed to watching the TV? (laughs) I get it.

 

This is the problem, right? That's a show that I cannot watch with children in the house.

 

No! Yeah, people say that to me, I'm like, what? Take the five-year-old out of the room! What are you doing?

 

I have four boys. So, by the time they go to sleep...I'm asleep. It's one of those things.

Yeah, damn straight.

 

So, we've reached a point in Game of Thrones' life where I was like, "I'm going to catch up! I'm going to catch up! I'm...going to wait until it's done."

 

"I'm going to wait until it's done and watch the whole thing." I did that with Breaking Bad. I would walk out of conversations, and then it got to the point where I was like, "Everything's spoiled for me now!" And when it was over, I did the whole however many seasons there were. I did the whole thing. Same with The Wire. I was, like, a decade late on that one. I hear you.

 

So, that's kind of the thing. Game of Thrones has been completely spoiled for me, and I'm still looking forward to experiencing it, but...

 

Yeah. And, heck, you may not like it! And that's okay.

 

I don't doubt that I will, but again, it's like…

 

It's a commitment.

 

That's the thing, you know?

 

It's a commitment.

 

It's like, do I want to enter into this marriage right now, or do I want to date a little right now?

Exactly. I've just started watching Orange is the New Black.

 

Oh, wow, okay.

 

Like, just.

 

So you feel my pain, okay.

It's so much effort! It's a real...you have to wait until you get sick, and then you're like, there's nothing better to do. I'm now going to take it on. (laughs)

 

So, this is a Game of Thrones question on behalf of my partner: Do you find it challenging to speak these made-up languages and to find truth in that?

 

So, Game of Thrones was my first job, pretty much. Like, right out of the gate, it was...I was just eager as all hell and just happy to be employed. Truly, that was the heart of it. The fact that it was HBO was ridiculous, and the fact that it did well was, like, what? But so, learning Dothraki, which is one of the made-up languages that I speak, in season one, I was just like, this is what actors do. This is just what happens.

 

Sometimes you have to do this stuff. I mean, I'd been to drama school, but this was very different. And then, when it rolls around in season six, you're like, dude, please! Like, a week of back-to-back Dothraki. Oh, my goodness. And it's beginning to get harder, but then, when you...and I suppose it's just because I'm becoming a bit more -- I'm doing other things, so I'm like, come on, I just want to speak English! But then, when you do manage to harness that power -- because normally I'm saying something really badass in that language and doing something really strong in it, so it makes it helpful. I do it to my kitchen.

 

But it goes out of your mind really quickly. So, I'll be rehearsing it in my kitchen, and my oven will get it, like, get the whole thing. And there's something about having the protection of...like, when you have an accent, when I put on an accent like I'm doing for this movie I'm filming right now, it allows me to be a whole other person, and I get to say all the stuff in my head that I'm like, filter, don't say that! But in the accent, I'm like, this is an accent; it's totally fine. So, Dothraki, the made-up language, is the same thing.

 

It's an accent.

 

It's an accent. So, I get to just unleash another aspect of myself that I'd be too afraid to in real life.

 

Do you have a word-by-word translation so you know what the heck you're saying? Or, it's like, "This is the gist"?

 

So, "The cat sat on the mat," that's the English line, and then it'll be their translation. So, it won't be "The cat sat on the mat." It'll be, "Yeath cateth sat mat onith did it"...something, and then it'll be the Dothraki whatever, and I have my mp3 player, and I just, by rote, over and over and over and over. Twenty minute working, ten-minute break, do something active, twenty minute working, ten-minute break, do something active.

 

And it's effective, so there you go.

Thank you!

 

******

Me Before You

 

When watching this movie "ME BEFORE YOU" I wished that this movie had been produced by any random Hollywood producer who would make it have happy ending: Will would be completely healed, and Will and Louisa would live together. This would 'save' Will's parents from being heart-broken, besides of course would make Louisa happy, not to mention the spectators of the movie, me included. well, although it would make the story sound too cheesy 😕😀

nevertheless,  some (or many?) people watch movies to escape from their reality, to be entertained, to be happy: (again) me included. 

 

Alan Turing and the Imitation Game

 

In fact, I am not really into movies; therefore, in my entire life for almost 60 years, I don't watch a lot of movies. This became my excuse to say that just two days ago -- April 21 2026 -- I 'found' a movie entitled THE IMITATION GAME, which was released in 2014 when scrolling youtube. 2 actors playing there -- Benedict Cumberbatch and Keira Knightley -- attracted me more to watch it.

 

The beginning note appeared saying that the movie was based on a true story made me feel excited, I became more dumbfounded when finding out that Benedict played as Alan Turing, a mathematician who invented computer! (pardon me for being so 'late' to know and watch this movie! Lol) o my god. I remember the time when I let myself spend hours a day on one social media; some people mentioned Alan Turing's name as a whiz, some others despised him as being a gay. (FYI, this is in Indonesia.) this kinda useless 'debate' went on and on and on. People who love using this latest technology but despise homosexuality keep creating excuses to accept the fact that Turing was one important persona in inventing computer.

 

The first impression Turing -- or you can say Cumberbatch -- gave me in the beginning of the movie was that this man was really a smart cookie, a prodigy that was on par with Einstein! The way the movie illustrated Turing as a nerd who was not so social justified my idea that a genius was usually a nerd, despite the fact that some people say the real Turing was not that nerd as Turing in this movie.

 

The next impression was heart-breaking for me: when I knew that Turing was punished for his being homosexual by the British government. (Being a homosexual was considered a criminal in British law back then.) How the British government didn't appreciate Turing for what he had done -- to break the code of Enigma that resulted in the shorter period of the WW was almost impossible for me. The ability of Turing (and his co-workers) to decode Enigma -- that resulted in saving thousands of lives -- didn't help to save him from being injected with 'hormone therapy' to 'cure' his homosexuality. (so, in fact, homosexuality was analogous with crime or disease?)

 

13 years after Turing passing, the British government passed the Sexual OffencesAct, decriminalizing homosexual acts in private between two consenting men over 21 in England and Wales.

 

In 2009 British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, speaking on behalf of the British government, publicly apologized for Turing's "utterly unfair" treatment.

 

46 years after the Sexual Offences Act passed, Queen Elizabeth II granted Turing aroyal pardon.

 

And just yesterday, in 2026, I happened to read a thread where (Indonesian) people still considered homosexuality a disease. More than a thousand likes on the thread, and hundreds of comments agreed with it. (sigh ~~)

 

PT56 13.53 23 April 2026

 

P.S.:

 

in the movie, when Joan visited Turing in 1953, their conversation was really emotional to me; how Joan thanked Turing for giving her a chance to get a job that was compatible to her extraordinary ability in mathematics (in an era where women were considered unequal to men), because Turing was not a 'normal' person. Cumberbatch and Knightley were very brilliant!

 

The Imitation Game

 

 I just 'found' a very spectacular movie, about someone to whom we -- people living in the 21st century -- are fully indebted for what he had invented: computer. 

For those living in Indonesia, the movie in this channel has subtitle in Bahasa Indonesia. Watch this! You will get a lot of heartfelt quotes about life. Benedict Cumberbatch brilliantly played as Alan Turing and Keira Knightley impressively played as Joan Clarke. 

 

you may find this article interesting to read. 

Sign of the Times

 FYI one soundtrack at 'Project Hail Mary'.

 

Just stop your crying
It's a sign of the times
Welcome to the final show
Hope you're wearing your best clothes
You can't bribe the door on your way to the sky
You look pretty good down here
But you ain't really good

 

If we never learn, we been here before
Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets?
The bullets
We never learn, we been here before
Why are we always stuck and running from
Your bullets?
The bullets

 

Just stop your crying
It's a sign of the times
We gotta get away from here
We gotta get away from here
Just stop your crying
It'll be alright
They told me that the end is near
We gotta get away from here

 

Just stop your crying
Have the time of your life
Breaking through the atmosphere
And things are pretty good from here
Remember everything will be alright
We can meet again somewhere
Somewhere far away from here

 

We never learn, we been here before
Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets?
The bullets
We never learn, we been here before
Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets?
The bullets

 

Just stop your crying
It's a sign of the times
We gotta get away from here
We gotta get away from here
Stop your crying
Baby, it'll be alright
They told me that the end is near
We gotta get away from here

We never learn, we been here before
Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets?
The bullets

We never learn, we been here before
Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets?
The bullets

 

We don't talk enough
We should open up
Before it's all too much
Will we ever learn?
We've been here before
It's just what we know

 

Stop your crying, baby
It's a sign of the times
We gotta get away
We got to get away
We got to get away
We got to get away
We got to get away
We got to, we got to, away
We got to, we got to, away
We got to, we got to, away